Written by Aiste ꕤ
My first post about love was all about different ways each of us interpret it and different ways each of us feel it. As I mentioned, I love thinking about it and I feel like understanding your feelings can deeply affect your relationships with people. Last time I more so talked about it broadly, but this time I want to particularly focus on love relationships and what we give to our boyfriends/girlfriends. What I found quite interesting when most of my friends started dating other people, was how different every relationship works. That’s fascinating. I think it was one of the main reasons why I started thinking about it and even decided to write my feelings down.
My mom used to tell me: ‘If you cannot imagine your future with the person, then it’s not worth it.’ And I still believe it’s true. However, does imagining being with someone in 10 years-time mean being sure you will be forever together? And does it define how much you love that person? Is forever defined as ‘forever and always’ or ‘forever can also be just 1 minute’?
I do believe in true love stories and love stories that last for a lifetime and, to be honest, have always dreamed of finding the one and only to be my best friend and lover crazy enough to rock the world together. I still believe in that, however, I realised how much my mindset has changed throughout the last couple of years when I started living independently from my family. Before being scared of the thought of breaking up and constantly thinking about a ‘what if?’, now I found myself not thinking about it at all. I realised I’m not really scared. I realised that forever can last for 100 years, but it can also be just for a moment. And it’s just how life goes. I see myself with the person I am now, and this is how it should be from what my mom has told me, yet at this age, I could never say that we are going to spend the whole of our lives together. Yep, ‘forever & always’ type of tattoos is not my thing.
You never actually know what will happen in life. As scary as it might sound, a lot of things are temporary. And when you begin to understand that everything that happens leads you somewhere, it all becomes much easier. Living with the idea of spending the whole life with your current significant other from the very start might make you fail to see the reality. That is, always reassuring yourself how much you love them no matter how your relationship is working out, might blind you from actual feelings and honest understanding if you and your partner are happy. Saying ‘I Love You’ is not the same as feeling it. And then, when something happens or love fades away, it might be hard to identify that. Or even let the idea of finding someone you will be happier with. Just because you’ve been strongly holding to the belief of loving that person for so long.
But breakups can happen. After 10 or even 20 years of living together. And that’s fine. You change and you are not the same person you were before you met your love. That is why it is so important to leave space for development. Not to force things. Not to claim that whatever it takes, you will stay together, and that love goes way beyond respect. Because it doesn’t.
Giving that space is so important and it works differently in every relationship. What I found for myself is that I can solely depend on my own. Before fearing the idea of living separately or having a long-distance relationship, now I do not see it as a scary thing at all. I know a lot of couples are struggling and many would be more than happy to avoid that, so again, this is only my personal perspective. If to stay and live together for a year or two would mean letting some of my dreams go, I would not agree with that now. I know some people feel the same way and they are worried: ‘do I even love the person enough then??’. I cannot speak for everybody, but most probably, yes, you do. I remember when I told this to one of the people I know and they said: ‘well, you know, some people just want to be together, unlike you’. I found those words a bit harsh. Does seeing things in a slightly different perspective or maybe focusing on yourself first mean that you love or respect your significant other even a tiny bit less?
‘I’m scared we will fall apart’ or ‘I fear long-distance because he/she might cheat’. Cool, then let them! I’m by no means encouraging or excusing such behaviour, but this is how life works. It just shows you that some people are not meant to be in your life for longer and that your relationship is, perhaps, not strong enough. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be sad or hurt, and just accept it as a simple fact. What I rather mean is that some things just cannot be prevented. At the end of the day, we are responsible for our actions. And we would disappear if we thought about every situation that may or may not happen. I’m sure life has so many challenges prepared for us, and it’s a bit hard to try and avoid each of them or always keep looking for the easiest path. Just do what you love, understand what you need, and make sure you are happy first. Then people around you will be happy. There will be simply no space for those who try to ruin it.
I know there are a lot of people who think differently and it is, what I mentioned at the beginning of this post, one of the most amazing things ever. Everyone finds a way to go through life, whether it’s on their own or stuck by someone’s side. Whether you agree with me or not, I still believe that giving space for others and yourself is crucial in every single relationship. Whether it’s your friend, family or boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s so important yet sometimes so hard to remember that you don’t own people. And no one owns you. Finding your ‘other half’ is not finding someone to complete you, to add up to your piece, to make you ‘whole’. It’s someone to stay by your side, encourage you and let you add, mix, say bye and say hello to new pieces during the wonderful construction of YOU.